


The Hateful Twelve

by PrettyMessedUpSituation (MarcelinesNightosphere)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Author argues with Gabriel, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Chuck is God, Cowboy Hats, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crowley Being an Asshole, Drunk Sam, Historical Reenactment, Horseback Riding, Jody and Donna bet on it, M/M, Metatron shovels shit and breaks stuff, Movie Reference, Multi, Nerd Dean, Other, Pining Rowena, Reality TV, Screenplay/Script Format, Television Trivia, Trickster Gabriel, What the fuck is this? No one knows, night vision cameras
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 05:55:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5731873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarcelinesNightosphere/pseuds/PrettyMessedUpSituation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thrown into a ridiculous fancy house on a ranch in the middle of nowhere somewhere in the American West (okay more specifically, just outside Virginia City, Nevada near Lake Tahoe), twelve housemates will have to work with horses, waitress and bar tend at a saloon, deal with tourists, work in a hotel and restaurant, conduct walking history tours, and try not to kill each other. Reality shows are weird enough, but something here is exceptionally fucky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

DEAN

This is the true story…

DONNA

...of twelve kind-of strangers…

CLAIRE

...who aren’t actually complete strangers at all…

FERGUS

...but some of whom really hate each other…

ALEX

...picked to live in a house…

CAS

...work together…

MARV

...and have their lives taped…

AMARA

...to find out what happens…

LUCE

...when people stop being polite…

JODY

...and start getting real.

SAM

Someone’s probably gonna get stabbed in the face.

 

DAY 1  
INTERIOR _and_ EXTERIOR _shots of the luxurious house and property._  
_MOURNING DOVE RANCH, just outside of VIRGINIA CITY, NEVADA. The entire property is exceedingly nice for a ranch. With over seven thousand square feet, five bedrooms, and eight bathrooms, this sprawling ranch estate is five million dollars of fancy. Amenities include a pool and Jacuzzi, large patio area with wet bar, a gym, a chef’s kitchen, and a separate twelve hundred square foot guest house. The stables and barn are neatly kept. The property has five horses that must be cared for. The housemates are in awe when they arrive._

_First to arrive are SAM and DEAN, brothers from Kansas. They pull up in DEAN’s 1967 Chevy Impala, parking it in front of the three car garage._

INSIDE HOUSE

SAM  
Wow. I mean, this is amazing.

_SAM scans the entire house  
from where he stands in the entry.  
He turns to the camera man_.

Are we the first ones?

_He looks at his brother._

We’re the first ones. We get dibs on rooms.

 

_The two pause and then take off running  
to find a room. SAM sprints upstairs while  
DEAN decides to look around the first floor,  
finding a master suite right off of the kitchen. _

 

DEAN _and_ SAM  
DIBS!!

 

_Housemates begin to arrive on their own and in cars from the airport. Out of the first car that pulls up to the front of the house steps a redheaded woman with wicked makeup, ROWENA. The next car pulls up into the parking area and has two women, a blonde named DONNA and a brunette named JODY. A motorcycle pulls up into the far side of the garage, and a blond man with scruffy facial hair names LUCE gets off the bike, waves, and goes inside the house. Someone is walking down the long driveway, but no one can see who it is. As the cars pull away leaving the people they dropped off, a Ford Fiesta pulls up to the house and parks in front of the garage next to the motorcycle. Two girls in their late teens/early twenties get out, hauling bags over their shoulders._

 

_Voice of_ CLAIRE _over footage_  
Okay so I googled this place as soon as we got the bare minimum   
info they were going to give us.

_CLAIRE and ALEX take off running –  
not to the house, but behind it. _

There’s a three bedroom guest house next to the pool and I was pretty sure   
that people were going to be fighting over the rooms inside.

_CLAIRE and ALEX giggle as they open the door  
to the guest house, which is like the main house _  
_on a smaller scale._

_[Cut to CLAIRE in Confession Room]_

CLAIRE  
People are stupid. Like, do your research. Google.

_She pulls out her phone and holds it to the camera.  
Photos and information from the house’s page  
on Trulia.com is on the screen. She shrugs._

_The girls pick the master suite and start hauling all their stuff in from the car, which is clownishly stuffed with crap they probably don’t need. But let’s face it, this show isn’t about needs._

 

_The camera zooms in on someone still walking down the road, but cuts to another arrival. A woman, AMARA, quietly confident and dressed too fancy for the ranch in a black gown steps out of a town car. A gentleman rushes out and gets her back for her. She walks inside. Finally, the person walking makes it to the entrance of the house. Tall, but not as tall as the brothers, and strongly built, the man, CAS, gives the cameras a friendly wave. The camera catches a mousey short man scurrying into the house through a side door. The last to arrive is a cranky man, FERGUS, on a cell phone who heads straight into the house. The camera follows him up the stairs and into the bedroom with a balcony that is separated from the others. Sam’s things are already on the bed. He picks them up, walks them to the balcony, and drops them over the edge._

 

_Voice of_ FERGUS  
I...am not here to make friends. I don’t want a pal.   
I don’t want a life-partner. I just want to make myself happy.

_Sam is cursing and yelling from below,  
picking up his things off the side yard_

 [ _Cut to FERGUS in Confession room_ ]

And if that means annoying the piss out of Thor, so be it.

[ _He hears SAM bellow  
“_ Who put my socks in the toilet? _”  
outside of the room and smiles._ ]

_[Footage of ROWENA meticulously  
putting away her things in drawers.]_

_Voice of_ ROWENA  
I dunno. I thought it would be a challenge. Maybe make some girlfriends.

_[Cut to ROWENA in the Confession Room_.]

See what people come out on top.

PRODUCER,  
_behind the camera_  
There are no winners Rowena.

ROWENA,  
_with a coy smile  
_ Aren’t there, now?

_[Cut to DEAN in Confession Room.]_

PRODUCER  
Why are you here, Dean?

DEAN  
Westerns, man. I’ve seen every Clint Eastwood movie and John Wayne  
flick like, eight times. Have gun, will travel, right?

[ _Cuts to footage of DEAN practicing drawing fake pistols in the mirror_ ]

SAM,  
_pissed off, bouncing his leg like he has somewhere else to be  
_ I’m...I’m a nice guy, but...if this kind of sh*t keeps up,   
I’m going to beat somebody’s *ss.

 

INTERIOR - DUSK

_Group is gathered in the living room._

_JODY and DONNA can be seen  
out the back window, running  
with their things to the guest house.  
Evil cackling is barely audible through  
the open patio door._

 

PRODUCER:  
I know there were some issues with the room   
arrangements earlier, but I hope all of that has been settled.

[ _Camera cuts briefly to SAM  
looking extremely pissed,  
pans to FERGUS chuckling silently_ ]

Turns out we aren’t so cramped since space the guest house   
was claimed. I hope you’ll all find your accommodations here   
very agreeable. The jobs we have lined up for you are as follows:   
Dean, Sam, Cas, and Marv - you four will work with the horses   
and provide historical tours for visitors in town. Rowena, Amara,   
Fergus, and Luce are slated to run the haunted hotel and restaurant   
as hotel desk clerk, hostess, and assistant manager for the restaurant   
and hotel respectively. Jody and Donna, who aren’t here at the moment,   
already know their jobs as deputies and gunslingers.

_DEAN throws his hands up in disappointment_

They will work in conjunction with our historical tour team   
for reenactments in the square.

_DEAN mouths “Yes!”_

Claire and Alex will be working at the Bucket of Blood Saloon.   
And with that, I will leave you to it.

MARV  
If I may, maybe we should do a trust exercise to get to know each other   
as members of a team.

_Everyone rolls their eyes and leaves the living room, heading off in different directions. SAM is temporarily bunking with DEAN in the first floor Master Suite since FERGUS dumped his things out of the room he had called dibs on._

_CAS walks downstairs and out the back door with his things, consisting of only what he was carrying._

_Voice of_ CAS,  
_playing over footage of him walking to the guest house_  
I guess I’ve been kind of a father figure to Claire.

_CAS sits on a bed in a smaller guest room._

She’s had a rough life, and even though I’m not always around,  
I’ve made myself available to her if she should ever require   
my assistance, and I think she’s warmed to me.

CAMERAMAN  
What happened in the house? Why are you here now?

CAS  
Rowena and Amara…

_[Quick cut to footage of  
ROWENA and AMARA fighting  
in the house and back to Cas.]_

…I guess they weren’t happy about sharing a room, but thankfully,   
Claire and Alex invited me to stay in the guest house with them   
and Jody and Donna, who are absolutely lovely, by the way.

_JODY and DONNA are lounging  
on the couch in front of the television,  
eating popcorn in their pajamas. _

DONNA  
That Cas guy? Oh, he sure is handsome. And just the sweetest.

JODY  
Won’t hear any complaints from me. Claire might have daddy issues,   
but I have _Daddy_ issues.

_DONNA smacks JODY on the shoulder._

What? Don’t kink shame me. Cas can stay as long as he wants.

_Screams of delight come from outside.  
DONNA and JODY look out the window._

DONNA  
Oh, those girls. They’re having so much fun.

JODY  
And we’re not?

_DONNA stares at JODY.  
DONNA’s hair is thrown up into  
 a pony tail, JODY has a piece  
of popcorn sitting on her shirt,  
perched on her boob. CLAIRE  
and ALEX are laughing and splashing  
in the pool. JODY sits back, mouth agape. _

Oh my god. We’re old. That’s it. I’m getting on my bikini.

_DONNA smiles and she and JODY  
run up to their room to change._

 

INSIDE MAIN HOUSE, NIGHT

_ROWENA sits at the counter in the kitchen, watching SAM and LUCE make dinner. SAM is obviously trying to work through his anger through food prep, chopping things with vigor. LUCE is calm. ROWENA is staring at LUCE with hearteyes of the nth degree._

ROWENA  
So, are you boys excited for your jobs?

SAM  
 Uh, yeah. I like working outside and history’s one of my favorite   
things to learn about. Dean’s gonna go nuts though.

LUCE  
Why’s that?

SAM  
Because he’s…he’s really into westerns. I mean, _he wishes he was Clint Eastwood  
_ into westerns. All the way here, all I heard about was trivia from the show _Bonanza_.

ROWENA  
Sorry, but what’s _Bonanza_?

[ _Series of cuts show DEAN speaking to different people in the house.]_

_DEAN hangs over the sofa  
where JODY and DONNA are seated._

DEAN  
Virginia City and the Lake Tahoe area was the setting for _Bonanza_.  
It’s where the Ponderosa was. The Cartwrights? Little Joe?

_DEAN tries to talk to CLAIRE and ALEX  
who are busy on their phones._

DEAN  
Did you know that _Bonanza_ was the first American   
television series to be filmed in color?

_DEAN leans over toward AMARA  
who is reading a book as they sit on the couch._

DEAN  
Did you know that _Bonanza_ had fourteen seasons?

_DEAN hands FERGUS a roll of toilet paper  
from outside the bathroom._

DEAN  
Lorne Greene…

FERGUS,   
_through the door_  
Shut up, you ridiculous twat.

_DEAN tries to talk to a cameraman._

DEAN  
Fun fact: Dan Blocker who played Hoss Cartwright on Bonanza weighed   
14lbs when he was born and was 105lbs when he was in first grade.   
He was one big motherf*cker.

_DEAN slides a bottle of water over  
to CAS across the kitchen counter  
and makes himself a sandwich. _

DEAN  
_Bonanza,_ that show from the 50s til the 70s, was set not so far from here.   
It was the first TV western to focus on character and dramatic plot.   
See, the episodes were about family and community problems  
instead of your usual stuff. Not that I don’t like Clint Eastwood-type   
westerns, but I really dig the character-driven storylines of TV shows too.

CAS  
You know, I never watched _Bonanza_. It sounds interesting.  
Tell me about it. What’s the premise?

_DEAN looks into the camera as it zooms  
in onto his face, open-mouth smiling  
and his eyes lit up in an expression of  
pure joy akin to Andy Dwyer._

_[Cut back to SAM, ROWENA, and LUCE in the kitchen.]_

SAM  
You know what? Dean would _love_ to talk to you about _Bonanza_.  
Even better, you should ask him about The Duke.

 

DAY 10  
EXTERIOR of the BUCKET OF BLOOD

_Voice of_ CLAIRE  
Okay, so we’re getting pretty good at our jobs.

_Claire’s voice plays over a sequence of scenes  
with her and Alex bartending and waitressing  
at The Bucket of Blood. _

There’s a lot of tourists, but there are some regular guys too.   
They’re pretty awesome. Whenever some *ssh*le gets handsy,   
one of the old timers steps in. This one old guy who could like,   
be my grandfather, punched the lights out of this dude from   
Boston who was like twenty-three.

[ _Footage of older customer punching a guy_ ]

[ _Cuts to CLAIRE in Confession Room_ ]

I was impressed. Our manager gave him free drinks the rest of the night.

 

[ _In Confession Room_ ]

ROWENA  
Oh, I’m doing fine at the hotel. Some people can’t understand  
me, but others kind of hang around to hear me talk.  
I’m never lonely at the front desk, that’s for certain.

[ _Footage of ROWENA sitting in the  
back room on break, sipping tea and staring  
out the door at LUCE working on the  
restaurant side of the hotel.]_

Never lonely at the front desk.

[ _In Confession Room_ ]

DEAN  
The horses? Awesome. My outfit? Awesome. The gunslinger  
stuff? Awesome! This is the best job I’ve ever had.

PRODUCER  
How is your relationship with the housemates?

DEAN  
Everything is great. I mean obviously you get along  
with some people more than others. Amara’s friendly.  
Fergus is a bit of an ass, but he’s not so bad. He really  
loves f*cking with Sam, but he hates everyone equally.

PRODUCER  
What about Cas? You guys have hit it off.

DEAN,  
_visibly uncomfortable_  
Well, yeah, Cas is great.

 [ _DEAN’s voice over footage of  
him and CAS talking and laughing  
in the stable, in town, in the house.]_

He’s great. He’s…he’s nice. Seems genuinely  
interested in stuff. Like…he listens. Plus, it’s good  
to have a bond with people you work with, and Sam and I  
are already close. The girls and I get along pretty great too.  
Jody and Donna are awesome.

PRODUCER  
What about Marv?

DEAN  
Marv? We…uh, he is…on permanent stable duty.

[ _Cut to MARV shoveling horse shit.  
He trips over the handle of a rake  
and falls into the manure pile._ ]

_DEAN makes a ‘yikes’ face._

DAY 14  
VIRGINIA CITY. DAY.

_DEAN, SAM, and CAS stand in the road. JODY and DONNA stand opposite them, wearing mustaches. A tumbleweed blows through the quiet, unpaved street. MARV holds the reigns on the horses._

JODY  
Don’t know who you think you are stickin’ your pick in my silver mine.  
I suggest you move on before something bad happens to you, stranger.

DEAN  
Now listen here,

_DONNA shoots DEAN_

DONNA  
Looks like I…blew my…lode.

_She blows on the end of her pistol.  
DEAN lies on the ground and looks  
up at the sky, kind of like he’s having  
fun, kind of defeated as if he wishes  
he was the one coming out on top  
of these gunfights._

_SAM turns to the camera and snickers._

THE BUCKET OF BLOOD, INTERIOR  
_After the scene, the six are getting drinks in the Bucket of Blood saloon, still in costume but off for the rest of the afternoon._

SAM  
Somehow a bad history pun delivered by Donna while Dean  
is lying on the ground pretending to die is actually entertaining.

_He laughs._

Lode and load. Nice.

 

HOTEL, INTERIOR – LATE AFTERNOON

_FERGUS is yelling in the kitchen, where a lot of banging is happening. AMARA is standing outside of the kitchen door in the restaurant, speaking to the camera._

AMARA,  
_unflinching at screaming in the kitchen behind her_  
He’s odd. And loud. The kitchen staff are afraid of him, the wait staff  
avoid any contact with him. Don’t get me started on the hotel side.  
I don’t understand it. He’s a lot of bark with no bite, if you ask me.

CAMERAMAN  
Is there anyone in the house that you get along with,  
or at least tolerate?

AMARA  
I would love to get to know Dean, but he seems distant.  
He’s a curiosity.

LUCE,  
_suddenly next to AMARA_  
I would like to think I’m not too nightmarish.

AMARA  
You’re bearable.

[ _Cuts to ROWENA at the front desk_ ]

ROWENA  
He’s absolutely a dream.

 

THE HOUSE, EXTERIOR - NIGHT

_Cameras follow SAM as he moves his things into the guest house._

SAM  
The girls are being nice and letting me take a break from Dean.  
I love my brother, but sometimes we need space.

[ _Footage of DEAN..._

DEAN

_…on a walking history tour_

Keep them dogies movin’, rawhide!

… _arguing with SAM in stables_

Okay, Brisco County, Jr.

_…arguing with FERGUS_

Shut up, Festus.

_…while cooking in the kitchen,  
DEAN sings the theme to _ The Good,  
The Bad, and The Ugly _; he is wearing  
his cowboy hat that he rarely takes  
off. CLAIRE is sitting at the counter.]_

Aahahahahah wah _wah_ wah.

_CLAIRE looks at the camera  
her eyes bulging and jaw set  
as if she’s going to snap,  
suggesting singing the theme song  
is something he does constantly._

 

DAY 20  
THE STABLES – DAY

_DEAN is grooming a horse.  
He’s wearing his vest, boots,  
and cowboy hat, smiling._

DEAN  
This is Buttercup. She’s mine. Well, not _mine_ mine but  
while we’re here she’s mine to take care of. Of all the horses -  
and I love them all – she gravitates toward me more than the  
others. It’s weird, but…

_DEAN pauses and thinks._

…I feel better than I have…ever. I don’t know  
if it’s the horses or the job or the great house  
or Caa _aa_ …the people, but I am feeling pretty awesome.  
Kind of…light, if that makes sense. It’s weird, but good.

THE HOUSE – EXTERIOR  
_SAM floats in the pool.  AMARA and ROWENA seem to have stopped fighting momentarily to lay out. ROWENA is reading in a lounge chair._

AMARA  
Sam, where’s your brother?

SAM  
In the stables. Why?

ROWENA,  
_without looking up_  
Because she’s thinking about saddling him up.

_AMARA rolls her eyes._

Where is everyone though?

SAM  
Fergus is far away from me, which is all I care about.  
Girls are working tonight so they’re getting ready,  
Don’t know where anyone else is. Oh, I almost forgot.  
Luce is on a quick trip to Vegas for the weekend.  
He asked me to go and I said no.

_ROWENA sits up and lifts her glasses.  
She adjusts her hat so she can see  
SAM as he floats by in the pool._

ROWENA  
Why? Why would you say no to a trip to Sin City?  
I would have gone in a heartbeat.

SAM,  
_lifting his sunglasses  
_ I dunno. I mean I guess that’s not my kind of thing.

ROWENA  
What’s not your thing? Getting drunk? Having fun?  
Throwing money at strippers after hitting the poker table?

SAM  
I don’t…no. No, that’s not my thing. I mean I have fun,  
just not all that other stuff.

ROWENA  
I don’t mean to be crass, but a guy like you – all buff and  
perfect – you don’t ever let your hair down? Get a little  
loose and crazy? Seems like a waste….

_SAM puts his glasses back down  
and crosses his arms. ROWENA’s  
taunting has gotten to him._

  
LAS VEGAS  
THE VENETIAN – AFTERNOON  
_LUCE is checking into the hotel and casino._

LUCE  
You know what’s beautiful? Being alone. Not having to deal  
with other people. Even so, I wish Sam would have accepted  
my invitation though. I bet he’s an excellent poker player.

 

VIRGINIA CITY  
THE BUCKET OF BLOOD – NIGHT  
_SAM is drunk. CLAIRE and ALEX watch horrified but with curiosity as they witness a bachelorette party take body shots off of the normally tight-laced man they’ve been living with for nearly a month._

ALEX  
This is…amazing.

_ALEX snaps a photo on her phone  
and texts it to JODY. _

CLAIRE  
This is really weird, because he’s like an uncle  
to me, but…are you seeing this?

_SAM has his shirt off and is acting  
like a woo girl, a cowboy hat on his head._

_A cameraman finds FERGUS sitting  
in the corner giggling, recording him  
on his cell phone. _

FERGUS  
This is iconic. I’m making this my background.  
Texting this to Luce immediately.

_CLAIRE and ALEX take another  
round of drinks to the table._

ALEX  
Jody and Donna are on their way. They said to keep an  
eye on him, and start feeding him water. But let’s be real,  
they’re hoping to get here before he gets too sober.  
It’s like watching an animal you normally see sleeping in  
the zoo putting on a mating display in the wild.

 

THE HOUSE  
INTERIOR – NIGHT  
_Night vision camera footage plays of all the rooms. Most are empty or have someone sleeping. SAM is sprawled out on his bed in the guest house, snoring loudly. DONNA and JODY are on either side of him. DONNA is wearing his hat. We don't know what happened. Don't judge. The door to DEAN’s room opens. CAS walks in holding a glass of water and closes the door behind him. He takes off his clothes and slips into bed, curling up behind DEAN._

DAY 26  
_Many of the housemates are straight out annoying each other, but a few are doing fine. DEAN has spent a lot of time with the horses, going on rides in his free time on local trails with CAS._

_[Footage of DEAN and CAS on horses,  
riding off down a trail at dusk.]_

_SAM is living with the girls in the guest house and is much happier with FERGUS focusing on work and staying to himself, not knowing that his “quiet time” has been filled with making hilarious edits of the photos he took of him at the Bucket of Blood when he was drunk and sending it to all the housemates._

_[Footage of FERGUS using Photoshop  
and giggling like a schoolgirl.]_

_ROWENA is still making hearteyes at LUCE, who is being pleasant and making an effort to get chummy with SAM, despite SAM not accepting his invite to Vegas._

_[Footage of ROWENA, chin in hands,  
staring at LUCE as he makes dinner.]_

_MARV shovels horse shit and breaks stuff._

_[Footage of MARV laying new hay.  
A horse shits on his boot. Inside the  
house, he comes out of the bathroom  
and the toilet is overflowing onto the  
floor. In the game room, MARV throws  
a dart but it somehow flies behind him  
and sticks into the television. He sighs  
and hangs his head, shoulders drooped  
like Charlie Brown.]_

_JODY and DONNA have been enjoying their work, finding new puns to use and better ways to wear their 1800s male miner getup for the shootout and their sheriff outfits for the bulk of their working day._

_[Footage of DONNA and JODY  
pressing mustaches on in the  
mirror and practicing drawing  
their guns faster.]_

_AMARA is annoyed and close to leaving, feeling as if she doesn’t belong – not because people don’t explicitly like her, but because she feels like a weak plot device. Her advances on DEAN are not working, and she may have been knocked into the pool a few times fully clothed._

_[Clipped together footage  
of AMARA being pushed into the pool  
by JODY, FERGUS, ROWENA, and even  
MARV.]_

_CLAIRE and ALEX, wearing large  
sunglasses, float by the camera on  
inflatable lounge chairs in the  
pool, playing cards on a body  
board strung between them._

 

DAY 30  
INTERIOR – MORNING  
_The housemates are finally getting on each other’s nerves to the extreme. Everyone is fighting and needing their space. Toothpaste in sinks, garbage, people not cooking or always cooking and never cleaning up after themselves, being loud late at night or in the early morning – things are getting quite tense._

FERGUS,  
_as he’s walking out the door to work_  
If I hear one more yee-haw from Squirrel at 6 a.m.,  
I will personally set his bloody stable on fire.

[ _Cuts to kitchen_ ]

SAM  
I swear to God, I’m trying here. I’m trying to be  
positive and just do my job, but if people don’t  
start pulling their weight around here – and if  
people don’t stop calling me Moose – I’m gonna  
lose my sh*t.

_LUCE walks through the kitchen,  
snags an apple from in front of SAM,  
and walks toward the front door._

LUCE,  
_calling back to SAM_  
See you later, Moose!

_SAM grips the counter  
and seethes._

INTERIOR – AFTERNOON

_CLAIRE decides to stay in the house rather than going to town for ice cream with ALEX, JODY, and DONNA, saying she needs a little peace and quiet. MARV is in the kitchen, struggling to open a can of beans. The lid pops off and beans scatter all over the floor. He frantically moves to kick them up against the floorboards. CLAIRE is sitting unnoticed in the living room, shaking her head as she watches him try to screw the lid back on, but unable to get the threads to align. He gives up and puts the half-empty jar into the cabinet._

_[CLAIRE’s voice plays over scene]_

CLAIRE  
This kind of thing happens all the time.

_MARV walks away from CLAIRE, whistling,  
making sure no one had seen him, but  
not checking the living room right in  
front of him._

This guy is a disaster.

_[In the Confession Room]_

Why is he even here? He's like...sixty.

_She shrugs._

Whatever, everyone here is old. But I mean. At least they're not  
_that guy_ level of old. He's just inept. At everything.

 

EXTERIOR – NIGHT  
_DEAN and CAS are in the pool, talking closely in the deep end, clinging to the edge. Both smile and the camera zooms in as CAS leans closer and kisses DEAN._

_From the window of the guest house, JODY reluctantly hands DONNA an undiscernible sum of money while DONNA high-fives CLAIRE and laughs heartily._

 

IN THE KITCHEN, NIGHT  
_Sam is making a smoothie in his  
Bullet blender._

SAM,  
_shouting over noise  
_ I don't know where they go, but I think they're putting in extra hours  
at the saloon or something, helping Claire and Alex out to give them  
a break every once in a while.

_[Camera zooms in on two shadows  
in the Jacuzzi that look suspiciously  
like CAS and DEAN. They’re making out.] _

They're dedicated, you know?

_Sam takes a sip of his green concoction._

The other night I saw them coming out of the stables.  
Dean said they'd been grooming the horses. It was  
ten at night. Either they’re working their *sses off or…

_A look of realization crosses his face._

Oh my god.

_MARV runs through the background,_   
_on fire. ROWENA follows, wielding a_   
_fire extinguisher. FERGUS follows her,_   
_a can of lighter fluid in hand. SAM is  
unaware. _

OH MY GOD.

_LUCE walks behind him, pulls a bottle_   
_of water from the fridge, and pats SAM_   
_on the ass as he passes by.  
JODY is seen through the window pushing  
MARV into the pool. DONNA punches   
FERGUS. _

What. The. Fuck.

_SAM slams his hands on the counter._

F*CK! SH*T! How in the f*ck did I not realize this?  
Oh my god. GodD*MN IT. I bet that’s why I got to “swap out”  
with Cas in the guest house. It wasn’t about giving me a room  
of my own at all. What the f*ck!

_The doorbell rings._

WHAT NOW?! Who the hell even rings the doorbell at this house?

_SAM storms out of the kitchen  
to the front door and opens it.  
The person at the door slides in  
to applause. SAM looks around  
frantically, trying to find the source._

This is a reality TV show! How is there applause?

 

GABRIEL  
Oh, ho! I always come with my own applause, Sam!

_The color in the house fades;  
the saturation of the luxury home  
(and the world) seems to dim._

I’ll give you a few minutes. Let you piece it together.

_SAM stares blankly at GABE._

Never mind this could take all season. It’s all a joke!  
I just wanted to see if I removed the über hetero vibe  
of a ‘two brothers on the road hunting evil’ life and put  
you all into a world where drama and secret love affairs  
are expected if Dean and Cas would get together and if  
you would finally realize they were. Rowena’s still all hearteyes  
over Lucifer, Luci is still trying to get your attention which you  
haven’t seemed to notice, Crowley is still a dick, Amara is  
trying to figure out this bond she has to Dean even though  
she obviously is the hetero parallel of him and Cas, Jody and Donna  
are awesome as usual, Claire and Alex are semi-normal teenagers,  
you’re still a health nut, Metatron’s a bumbling idiot, and surprise!  
Cas and Dean are together.

_SAM stares, like he’d just  
woken up from a coma and  
was trying to figure out what  
was real and what was a dream.  
GABE stops and looks into  
the camera and heaves a sigh._

Can we please stop this format? It’s really, really  
hard to follow and a pain in the ass to write.

 

Sam stood slack-jawed, slowly piecing together what was happening. “Gabriel?”

Gabe smiled and clapped his hands before pointing enthusiastically at Sam. “Yes! There we go. Finally.”

“But you’re _dead_.”

“ _Was_ dead. I was so pissed off by the Amara and Dean parallel I rose from the grave. And I was intrigued with Rowena having hearteyes over my bro and the whole you not killing her already thing – but seriously, how is Crowley still alive? Rowena, okay, I mean keeping at least one female cast member around is important. Especially after Charlie. What a heartbreak that was. Unnecessary, too. By the way, on a personal note, if Jody or Donna ever die without purpose other than your moment of man pain, I’m fucking rioting.”

“What are you _talking_ about?”

“Sorry, got off topic.” Gabe skipped to the kitchen. Sam followed, staggering behind him. He took a glass out of the cupboard and filled it with water from the tap. “Anyway,” he started, leaning against the counter, “I know you’re in a bad way with Luci, and everything felt very…apocalyptic. That, coupled with Amara and Dean, and the very real threat of my little bro Cas’ permanent demise, I came back from the dead.”

Dean stormed in from outside through the patio doors. “What the hell is happening? Where the fuck are we, Sam?” He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Gabriel in the kitchen. “You’ve got to be shitting me.”

“Feels more… _natural_ …when it’s not bleeped, doesn’t it?”

Cas followed through the patio door, covering himself with modesty. “Dean, this feels awkward. Can I borrow a pair of – Gabriel?”

“Here’s the thing: you two have been a long time coming, and I just need to get something off my chest. The Amara thing? It’s too obvious. The profound bond, the release from hell? But here? Here in this reality where Dean is in his element, he was comfortable enough to act on the attraction that has been sickeningly growing between you two over the years.”

Dean shifted uncomfortably. “I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He tried to prop himself up by leaning on the couch, but his hand missed and he nearly fell.

Sam looked at Cas, expectant.

Cas sighed. “For transparency purposes, Dean and I have been – ”

“Whoa ho ho!” Gabe interrupted, his hands up and eyes blinking in horror as he pictured what had been happening behind closed doors in the green light of the night vision cameras. “We don’t need the details, there lover boy. Just glad to be right.”

“So what happens now?” Sam asked. “Aren’t I in the cage?”

“Nope! I just wanted to know if you’d say yes. Because he _is_ going to ask you, and Rowena _is_ going to try to trick you. Everything since the end of Season 10 has been me. Mostly. Do you really think _Dean Winchester_ could kill _Death_? I admit, the flinging Dean into space thing may have been bad writing. And the Darkness? Yikes. But after that tear rolling down your face while thinking about being possessed by Lucifer again, I…I couldn’t do that to you. I like you, Sam. You’re a good dude.” Gabe snapped and the house disappeared. They stood in a normal ranch house. “All I ask is that you be happy, for Christ’s sake.”

Dean looked at Sam and Cas, and then to Gabe. “So you’re saying that we’re all happy and healthy, no one is possessed, there’s no end of the world happening – I was never killed, never a demon, none of that happened?”

“Nope. Well yeah, that stuff happened, but it’s all good now! Just avoid Rowena and Crowley for once in your lives, and all will be right in the world. Now scoot. Off into the sunset with you.”

“Can I…just one last time?” Dean asked, staring at the stables. “Before we leave?”

 

Dean straightened his hat and pulled himself onto Buttercup’s saddle. Sam cleared his throat and Dean nodded. Cas smiled, his hat on slightly crooked. The three of them started riding off into the sunset. At the crossroad, Dean turned back around and raced to the house, the horse’s hooves thundering across the landscape. He stopped in front of Gabe, who looked emotional.

“Okay this is great and all, but where’s my car?”

“It’s – _ahem_ – it’s...I'll pull it around. It'll be here when you get back.”

Dean stared at Gabe. “You know, this is fucking weird.” Gabe nodded in agreement. Buttercup whinnied, and Dean turned to chase after Sam and Cas.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Gabriel had his arms crossed as he stood in front of the house. He had to wipe tears from his eyes as Dean caught up to Sam and Cas. Suddenly, Chuck was standing beside him, hands loosely sitting in his robe pockets.

“That was fucked up, Gabe.”

“No worse than anything you’ve ever done. At least I’m giving them a happy ending.” Chuck raised his eyebrows. “Oh, shut up,” Gabe scoffed.

“You really think with all the terrible shit I put the Winchesters through – the apocalypses, the possessions, the buckleming – that I wouldn’t give them a happy ending?”

“What was your plan?”

“This works, I guess. Complicated and confusing, but it works. I would have gone with something more… symbolic.”

Gabe turned to Chuck. “A little more symbolic than riding off together into the sunset?”

Chuck shrugged. “Given the choice to have me deal with it, to battle Amara and wipe out all the evil on the planet, including Crowley and Rowena, to end the demons and angels and make them all human, so they wouldn’t have to hunt anymore and wouldn’t be hunted if they just walked away, would they do it?”

“Ah. Free will.”

“Exactly. Free will. But that’s also the problem. They wouldn’t step aside and let me do the work. They’ll always be hunters. And ‘one last job’ is a trope even I won’t pull. One last _choice_ , though, that’s fitting for those three.”

“And I’m sure they’d fuck it up somehow.”

Chuck sighed. “Hey, wanna take a joyride into town and get a drink while they’re gone?”

“Do I ever.”

 

_CHUCK and GABE pull away from the ranch in the Impala. Contemplating how much trouble he would be in if he got ice cream on the seat, GABE takes the wheel and speeds down the road, seeing SAM, DEAN, and CAS in the distance._

_On their way back, DEAN sees the Impala turning down the road leaning to town._

DEAN,  
_loudly_  
Is that my car? Did that bastard steal my car?!

**THE END**


	2. A Completely Unnecessary Follow Up Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A completely unnecessary addition in which the author argues with Gabe over how it should end.

 

> “I thought I told you to ditch the format.”
> 
> “Sorry, I know, I just thought a bookend – ”
> 
> “Well, you thought stupidly.”
> 
> “Sorry.”
> 
> “Stop apologizing. You sound like Dad.”
> 
> “Sorry. _Sorry_! I – fuck.”
> 
> Gabe huffed. “Last time I hire a ghostwriter. Are you still writing what’s happening now?”
> 
> “Y-yes?”
> 
> “Okay you can stop.”
> 
> “I’m trying to figure out how to end this. Like, should I go out on a joke?”
> 
> “You’re not that funny.”
> 
> “True. Give me a second.”
> 
> “What are you gonna do?”
> 
> “After credits scene. People love those.”

 

Gabe and Chuck clinked their glasses together at the Bucket of Blood. They were about to drink when the sound of boot heels and spurs stopped outside of the door and it flew open. Wind blew past the porch and a tumbleweed crossed behind the shadow looming in the doorway. A horse whinnied. Two more men flanked the intimidating figure.

 “I’ve got a bone to pick with you two.”

 

 

> “This is garbage.”
> 
> “OH MY GOD GABE JUST LET IT GO.”
> 
> “I would if you could _write an ending_.”
> 
> “I can fucking write endings, they’re just not to your liking.”

 

Chuck swallowed.

Gabe smiled. “Hey amigo, you know you got a face beautiful enough to be worth two thousand dollars?”

“What makes you think that you can steal my car and get away with it?” Dean said.

“We borrowed it.” Gabe pats the stool next to him. “Come in. Have a seat. I’ll buy you a drink.”

Dean looks at Sam and Cas. They sit at the bar and have a few, sorting out the real and the not real of the reality television show they were forced to live. After their third round, Sam, Dean, and Cas get up and Dean pats Gabe on the back.

“We better be off.”

“Gonna go make trouble?” Gabe asked.

“None at all.”     

“You’re a liar.”

Dean straightened himself up and cleared his throat. “And if thy words stray from the truth for the good of God's own, if thy intent be pure, thou shall not then be judged sinful.” 

“Beautiful words,” Gabe replied. “What book? What chapter?”

Dean laughed. “Nice."

Cas, Sam, and Chuck looked at each other, shaking their heads and shrugging.

"Hopefully we won’t see you soon," Dean added.

“Enjoy your time off. Go to Vegas or something. Relax.”

Dean smiled. “We will.”

Outside the saloon, Sam is tying Cas’s horse to his. Dean holds up the keys to the Impala he snaked from Gabe’s pocket.

“Hope they enjoy the ride home.”

“How long will the anti-magic spell last?” Sam asked Cas.

“Twelve hours,” Cas laughed. “Or until the sarsaparilla root part of the hex leaves their body. They’re going to be completely incapable of doing anything without their powers.”

Sam’s lips pressed into a firm line. “Is this wrong? Should we just let them go?”

“Hell no,” Dean scoffed. “You don’t steal my car and get to walk away scot free. Plus it might humble them a little bit. Get in.”

Dean started the car and pulled out of Virginia City, speeding off toward the Grand Canyon.

 

God and an archangel walk out of a bar.

“Should we have told them there was only two gallons of gas in the tank?”

“Nah. Saddle up, homie.”

“Gabe? Don’t ever call me that.”

“No. No, you’re right, that didn’t feel…that felt gross.”

“That was terrible,” Chuck added.

"I'm sorry. My bad."

Chuck struggled to pull himself up on the horse. “Okay, I can do this. We can do this.”

Gabe and Chuck moved on down the road on their horses, Chuck riding Buttercup and Gabe riding Sam’s horse, Cas’s trailing behind.

“I'd give $3 now for a pickled buffalo tongue.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Have you never seen _True Grit?_ _Rooster Cogburn?”_

“No. And Dean isn’t here to pick up on all your references that literally no one else gets.”

“That’s okay. I’ll just keep quoting it because it drives you crazy.”

“What if you shut up instead?”

“I do not entertain hypotheticals. The world itself is vexing enough.”

 

VIRGINIA CITY – DUSK  
_GABE and CHUCK slowly trot down the road, a light dust kicking up behind them. They have about ten miles until they reach the ranch, and about fifteen miles until Cas and the Winchesters run out of gas._ _They argue, CHUCK exasperated and GABE having a movie quote for every plea for him to shut up._

THE END

FOR REAL THIS TIME

> "There. Is that okay? Does that work for you?"
> 
> "You did the format thing at the end -" 
> 
> "Bookends. Fucking bookends, Gabe." He read the last bit over again, leaning over her shoulder. "Continuity was never your strong suit," she muttered. "Okay so?"
> 
> "That'll do pig," he said, patting her shoulder. "That'll do."

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> WHY THE FUCK
> 
> [THIS IS WHY THE FUCK](http://spncoldesthits.tumblr.com/post/137177896225/faq)


End file.
